Nine chilis went into the ring, but only two would come out alive. Not because it was a tag-team match – no! – but because there were two different championship belts on the line hankering for a claimin’ this day. Two classes of goodness: Hot and mild. It promised to be a tough battle. A no-holds-barred cage match where the chili with the mostest got the glory. (Or, in this case, the twochili’s with the mostest got equal portions of the collective glory for their respective categories.)

The contenders, of all different shapes and flavors, some with beans, some without (for the chili purests and those who do not fancy beans) came out swinging. Here’s a rundown of those who dared enter the fray along with their weight class (in no particular order):

“Elk Meat Bloat” – Hot

“Grilled Chicken Green Chile Enchilada” – Mild

“WWJE” – Mild? (This was mine and I don’t know where I fit. Identity crisis?)

“Chile de Muerte” – Hot

“Hot” – Hot (This chili was simply called “Hot.)

“Dog Meat Chili” – Hot

“Hot” – Hot (This chili was also called “Hot” to confound the wise.)

“New Mexico Red Chili Chili Chili” – Mild

“Good Chile'” – Mild

One of the “Hot’s” cooked up by Pastor Jeremy for the hot category. And, “New Mexico Red Chili Chili Chili” for the mild category. (And, wouldn’t you know it, I neglected to write down the winner’s name for that one. I had a pen ready and everything…)

Here’s a great spot to mention a 10th entry, however disqualified for belt contention due to entering the fight after it was over, but clearly qualified for a win in a subsequently created-on-the-spot category dubbed “Retroburn” by Pastor Randy. It was a superhot chili made with slow-cooked brisket and any number of spicy helpers. It galloped right on in and stole a few hearts (or, stomachs really.) It didn’t have a name, nor did I happen to jot down the gentleman who was repsonible for this delicacy, but the whole room did learn that the man traveled with the rock band Kiss for something like 30 years, so…yea.

As far as armchair judging goes from table to table, being that I was a man with a dog in the fight, I didn’t want to give my opinions other than “mmm, this is pretty good” about another guy’s chili. However, those that knew I write the blogs around here certainly gave me some of their takes on the chilis in question.

River’s own beloved Bill Garrick, um…I mean, Santa Claus – don’t mind me kids, I’m just the crazy writer guy – gave me his insight on a few of the contenders. But before I give some quotes, I will say that in his eyes, as a chili cook-off judge many times over, he was quick to tell me that any chili with beans was out. Real chili apparently does not have beans. Thumbs up to me and mine because I didn’t put beans in my chili. I don’ t like them. Nothing against beans and those who cherish them, but as for me and my house…

Concerning “WWJE”: “A little bit too sweet” but a “stand out” and it “was not predictable.”

Concerning “New Mexico Red Chili Chili Chili”: “A smooth, moderate chili with bite.”

Concerning the late entry superhot unnamed chili: “Best in class.” 

Others, too, had words to say about this mysterious Johnny-come-lately dish. 

Pastor Randy said, “I lost feeling in my teeth.” And upon giving the chili an honorary 3rd category win, he named it “2-Way Chili” on account of where it might be seen again in the near future.

“Coco Cayenne.” A spiced up chocolate cupcake with chocolate icing generously drowning everything including the pepper that sat atop it like a crazy cool party hat. There was just a hint of fire under the hood of the pillowy chocolate cake which was just enough to let you hear the power of the engine without having to feel it’s digestive effects. Hey, this is a blog about men and their chili cook-off, so it’s not gonna be all roses and butterflies…

There was a second cupcake as well. Not sure if the ingredients written as “Spice with Maple Cream & Bacon Bites” also served as it’s name, but the thing had culinary school quality. It looked rare, unique and oddly breakfast-like. I did not get to try one of these, but at service the following Sunday, Pastor Tommy likened it to a “pancake explosion.”

So, yea, that was the 6th Annual Men’s Chili Cook-off at River. It was great. It was awesome. Bellies got full. Men got to rap with each other. Hopefully the 7th time around will bring even more chili and more people, but then again, if that happened we’d have to put a bowl of antacids next to the cracker dish. 

Pastor Randy also gave everyone the head’s up about another cook-off showdown happening this July 15 in the form of a rib blowout. Gentlemen, start your grills…

As an extra piece to this piece – and to show that I’m no Colonel Sanders hiding my secret chicken recipe – I wanted to list the ingredients to my “WWJE” chili that entered, didn’t win, but still left some people interested in the flavor. Which, to me, is super awesome because: A) I’m not a chef; and, B) I made that chili the morning of the contest with dashes of this and some sprinkles of that. “Winged it” comes to mind. But, if I’m honest, it tasted pretty righteous!  

The following is a list of what went in ‘WWJE” and it’s my hope that the other men who entered their awesome chili would add their recipes to the comment section. That is, unless it’s a Bush’s Baked Beans secret family recipe…

“WWJE” (What Would Jesus Eat) Chili
(note: there are no measurements because I eyeballed it all)

ground beef

Rotel

diced tomatoes (petite)

tomato sauce

Guy Fieri Chipotle Salsa

Lousiana Supreme Chicken Wing Sauce

Claude’s BBQ Brisket Marinade

Liquid Smoke

Taco Bell “Bold & Creamy Chipotle Sauce”

all-purpose seasoning

Lawry’s Chili Spices & Seasonings

brown sugar

Sweet Baby Ray’s Honey BBQ Sauce